Those Phrases from A Parent Which Saved Us when I became a Brand-New Father

"In my view I was simply trying to survive for twelve months."

One-time reality TV cast member Ryan Libbey thought he would to manage the challenges of fatherhood.

However the actual experience rapidly turned out to be "utterly different" to what he pictured.

Serious health problems during the birth saw his partner Louise hospitalised. Abruptly he was forced into becoming her main carer as well as looking after their baby boy Leo.

"I handled all the nights, every change… each outing. The job of both mum and dad," Ryan shared.

After nearly a year he became exhausted. That was when a talk with his parent, on a public seat, that helped him see he needed help.

The straightforward phrases "You're not in a good spot. You require some help. How can I assist you?" opened the door for Ryan to speak honestly, seek support and regain his footing.

His experience is far from unique, but seldom highlighted. While the public is now more comfortable addressing the strain on mothers and about post-natal depression, far less attention is paid about the struggles new fathers face.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to request support'

Ryan feels his struggles are linked to a broader inability to talk amongst men, who continue to absorb damaging notions of manhood.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the rock that just gets smashed and doesn't fall every time."

"It is not a sign of failure to seek help. I failed to do that fast enough," he explains.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a expert who studies mental health before and after childbirth, explains men frequently refuse to acknowledge they're having a hard time.

They can think they are "not justified to be asking for help" - most notably in front of a new mother and infant - but she stresses their mental state is just as important to the household.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad gave him the chance to ask for a break - taking a couple of days away, away from the family home, to gain perspective.

He realised he had to make a shift to consider his and his partner's emotional states in addition to the day-to-day duties of caring for a new baby.

When he shared with Louise, he discovered he'd failed to notice "what she was yearning" -physical connection and paying attention to her words.

Reparenting yourself'

That insight has changed how Ryan perceives parenthood.

He's now penning Leo letters each week about his journey as a dad, which he aspires his son will look at as he gets older.

Ryan hopes these will assist his son to more fully comprehend the language of feelings and understand his decisions as a father.

The notion of "self-parenting" is something artist Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four.

During his childhood Stephen lacked reliable male parenting. Even with having an "wonderful" connection with his dad, deep-held emotional pain resulted in his father struggled to cope and was "in and out" of his life, making difficult their connection.

Stephen says repressing feelings led him to make "terrible choices" when in his youth to alter how he felt, turning in substance use as escapism from the anguish.

"You turn to substances that aren't helpful," he says. "They may briefly alter how you feel, but they will eventually exacerbate the problem."

Strategies for Coping as a New Father

• Open up to someone - when you are under pressure, speak to a trusted person, your partner or a counsellor about your state of mind. This can to ease the pressure and make you feel less alone.
• Keep up your interests - continue with the activities that helped you to feel like you before the baby arrived. Examples include exercising, socialising or a favourite hobby.
• Pay attention to the physical stuff - nutritious food, staying active and if you can, getting some sleep, all play a role in how your mental state is faring.
• Meet other first-time fathers - listening to their experiences, the challenges, and also the positive moments, can help to normalise how you're feeling.
• Understand that seeking help does not mean you've failed - looking after your own well-being is the best way you can look after your loved ones.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen understandably found it hard to accept the death, having not spoken to him for many years.

As a dad now, Stephen's committed not to "continue the chain" with his child and instead provide the stability and emotional guidance he lacked.

When his son starts to have a tantrum, for example, they try "releasing the emotion" together - managing the frustrations safely.

Each of Ryan and Stephen state they have become more balanced, healthier men due to the fact that they confronted their issues, transformed how they communicate, and learned to regulate themselves for their sons.

"I am now more capable of… processing things and handling things," explains Stephen.

"I expressed that in a note to Leo the other week," Ryan shares. "I said, at times I believe my job is to teach and advise you on life, but actually, it's a exchange. I'm learning an equal amount as you are on this path."